The Rocky Horror Picture ShowJhonen Style!
by Blue Whiplash
Summary: TAQUITOES!! There. i have your attention. I saw the movie and felt compelled to do this. I'm not going to make my cast act out *all* the scenes, so the rating's a little lower...JtHM is Frank! New format coming up!
1. Dammit, Janet!// Time Warp

I don't own the Rocky Horror Picture Show, Invader Zim, a movie studio, or Jell-O. Don't sue me, cuz I put the disclaimer here and you would lose. Please review!  
  
[Scene starts at a wedding chapel. A very lovely woman and a strong young man came down the steps. As the bride gets ready to throw the bouquet, the groom comes to talk to one of his friends.]  
  
Groom: Don't worry, Brad, I'm sure the fact that you're not human won't keep you from getting a girlfriend soon.  
  
Brad: Yeah, I'm counting on that! *flashes a thumbs up*  
  
Director: Cut! Red, that's not in the script! Please, guys, this is a classic. Try not to ruin it.  
  
[A noisy commotion in drew Gally's attention away from her erring actors. Johnny stormed out of his dressing room, clutching his script and a shimmery garment in his shaking hands.]  
  
Nny: There is no f**king way in HELL I'm going to wear this! I am NOT going to be this perverted alien freak!! F**k! Whoever wrote this story is going to rot in HELL!!  
  
Gally: Please, Nny, our author can't think of anyone else to play the part. We can edit it out, if ya like-  
  
But like it or not, you're gonna wear it, or worse things will happen.  
  
Nny: Who the hell said that?!  
  
I'm the Author! Fear me!  
  
Nny: And what exactly would you do to me?  
  
I would rewrite you as Janet.  
  
[A long pause from Nny.]  
  
Thank you.  
  
Nny: *unintelligible mumbles*  
  
Gally: If we could please continue.where's Janet? Devi, c'mon. We've got Nny under control.  
  
[Devi grudgingly walks onto the set, wearing that weird pink dress. Red whistles.]  
  
Red: Ouch! Dammit, Janet!  
  
Devi: Don't make me kill you, green boy.  
  
Red: She digs me. *wink*  
  
Gally: Wake up, everyone! Let's go to the song scene with Janet and Brad. Places people! And.action!  
  
[Red and Devi go to stand in the cemetery.]  
  
Red: Hey, Janet.  
  
Devi: (monotonous) Yes Brad?  
  
Red: I've got something to say.  
  
Devi: Uh-huh?  
  
Red: I really love the.skillful way.you beat the other girls.to the bride's bouquet.  
  
[Music starts]  
  
Red: The river was deep and I swam it! ((Janet.)) The future is ours so let's plan it. ((Janet.)) So please, don't tell me to can it. ((Janet.)) There's one thing to say and that's dammit, Janet! I love you!  
  
The road was long and I ran it. ((Janet.)) There's a fire in my heart and you fan it! ((Janet.)) If there's one fool for you than I am it. ((Janet.)) I've one thing to say and that's dammit, Janet! I love you!  
  
[He kneels down before her on the steps, but nearly trips on his pants. He's not used to pants, you know.]  
  
Red: Here's the ring to prove that I'm no joker! There's three ways that love can go. And that's good, bad, or mediocre. Whoo! J-A-N-E-T, I love you so!  
  
[Janet runs into the church waving her hand around.]  
  
Devi: Oh! It's nicer than Betty Monroe had! ((Oh Brad.)) Now we're engaged and I'm so glad! ((Oh Brad.)) That you'll meet Mom and you'll know Dad. ((Oh Brad.)) There's one thing to say and that's Brad-I'm mad- for you too!  
  
Devi: Ooh, Brad!  
  
Red: Oh.Janet..  
  
Devi: I'm maaad..  
  
Red: Ohhh.Janet!  
  
Devi: Ohhh.  
  
Red: I love you too..  
  
Both: There's one thing left to do, ah-ooo!  
  
Red: And that's go see the man who began it! ((Janet.)) When we met in his science exam-it! ((Janet.)) Made me give you the eyes, and then, panic. ((Janet.)) There's one thing to say and that's dammit, Janet, I love you!  
  
Red: Janet, Janet..  
  
Devi: Oh Brad, I'm mad..  
  
Red: Janet, Janet!  
  
Both: I.love.youuuuu..  
  
Gally: And cut! Very nice. Now, since the author doesn't like the next song, we're gonna so straight to the Time Warp.  
  
[Devi ran to the bathroom to scrub the foul words from her mouth.]  
  
Red: Hey, Gally, I have a question regarding the song I just sang; how could I have swum through a human river?  
  
Gally: Red. I'm really sorry I didn't tell you about this earlier, I truly am, but one scene requires you to walk through the rain to the castle.  
  
[It takes a moment for this to sink into Red's mind. His confident grin slowly fades as he realizes what pain he'll be in. He makes a break for the doors suddenly.]  
  
Gally: Stop that Tallest!  
  
[Red is subdued. Gally slowly walks up to him and whispers something in his ear. Red nods happily and walks to his dressing room to get pasted up.]  
  
[Gally's sister Phoenix walks up and looks at her grin.]  
  
Phoenix: What did you tell him?  
  
Gally: I just said that Zim has to lay in a tub of Jell-O, and he couldn't see it if he ran off.  
  
Phoenix: Thou art truly devious.  
  
[Runs off to help with makeup. She's the head makeup artist.]  
  
Gally: Okay! Bring out Dib, Gaz, and the dancing freak-show!  
  
[A strange procession lines up in front of the director's chair. Gally moves down the line, inspection the extras chosen to dance in the Time Warp scene. Here and there she adds random comments to her clipboard, until she gets to Dib and Gaz.]  
  
Dib: I think this bump on my back is bigger than my head.  
  
Gaz: Then it's pretty big, isn't it?  
  
Gally: It's supposed to be really big, but I don't think it should be.moving.  
  
Phoenix: *over Gally's shoulder* Or.squealing.  
  
[Gally pulls off the coat to reveal Gir, all bespangled in is sequined vest thing.]  
  
Gir: I'm a shiny lady!  
  
[Phoenix gaped.]  
  
Phoenix: You made GIR Columbia?!  
  
Gally: I couldn't really see anyone doing it, so..places, people!  
  
[The clacker thing opens the scene, which has a water-resistant Red and Devi approaching the porch. Red tried to be sneaky and snuck his arm around Devi's shoulder. She shuddered, but managed to refrain from smacking him. Red knocked smartly on the heavy wooden door.]  
  
Devi: They're certainly taking their time, aren't they?  
  
Red: We've go time to spare..  
  
[A fist came flying at his face so fast he didn't have time to duck.]  
  
Gally: Cut! Devi, we can't have our Brad be bruised. No more smacking. Red, keep your distance. And, action!  
  
[Slowly the great door swung open. Dib stuck his head out menacingly.]  
  
Red: Hey, could we, uh, use your phone?  
  
Dib: You're wet.  
  
Devi: Yes. It's raining.  
  
Dib: I think perhaps you'd better both.come inside.  
  
Both: Thanks.  
  
[Dib disappears momentarily.]  
  
Devi: Brad. I'm frightened.  
  
Red: There's nothing to be afraid of. This is probably a hunting lodge for rich weirdoes.  
  
[Dib slams the doors, startling them both. Red hied behind Devi.]  
  
Dib: This way.  
  
Devi: Sounds like you're having a party.  
  
Dib: You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the Master's affairs.  
  
Devi: Whoop-tee freakin' do for him.  
  
[Red elbows her.]  
  
Devi: I mean, lucky him.  
  
[A long pause.]  
  
Devi: LUCKY HIM!  
  
Gally: Gaz! Wake up!  
  
[Gaz looks up from her GameSlave II.]  
  
Gaz: Shut up!  
  
Gally: *sigh* Bring in the understudy for Magenta..  
  
[Tenna ran onto the set, wearing the maid's outfit.]  
  
Tenna: Yay! I was really hoping this would work out for me!  
  
Gally: Yeah. I had a feeling it would turn out like this. Tenna, please take your place on the staircase. We're going right into the Time Warp.  
  
Tenna: All right!  
  
Gally: And action!  
  
Devi: Lucky him.  
  
Tenna: He's lucky, I'm lucky, WE'RE ALL LUCKY!!  
  
[ She slides down the banister and joins her 'brother' next to the 'frightened' couple. A catchy beat begins to play. Dib slides over to a chiming clock.]  
  
Dib: It's astounding..time is fleeting. Madness..takes its toll.  
  
Tenna: Not for very much longer..  
  
Dib: I've got to.keep control.  
  
[Red and Devi are backing up from the scary people now.]  
  
Dib: *screeching* I remember, doin' the Time Warp! Drinking those moments when-the blackness would hit me-  
  
Dib and Magenta: The void would be calling!  
  
[The 'frightened' couple burst through a pair of double doors into a party, just reaching full swing.]  
  
Party of Weirdoes: Let's do the Time Warp again!  
  
[Scene cuts to Ms. Bitters in her classroom.]  
  
Ms. Bitters: It's just a jump to the left. Into DOOM!  
  
[Cut back to the PoWs.]  
  
PoWs: And then a step to the riiiight!  
  
[Cut to Bitters.]  
  
Ms. Bitters: Put your DOOMED hands on your hips.  
  
[Back to PoWs.]  
  
PoWs: And bring your knees in tiiiight! Put it's the Pelvic Thrust that really drives you insaaaane! Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again!  
  
Tenna: *dancing around seductively, in a slightly macabre kind of way* It's so dreamy. Oh, fantasy, free me! So you can't see me, oh, not at all. In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention, well secluded, I see all.  
  
[By now she's under the stairs. As Dib starts to sing she begins dancing on the table.]  
  
Dib: With a bit of a mind flip..  
  
Tenna: *from the table* You're into the time slip!  
  
Dib: And nothing.can ever be the same.  
  
Tenna: You're spaced out on sensation!  
  
Dib: *screeching* Like you're under sedation!  
  
PoWs: Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again!  
  
[Dib and Tenna dance across the floor to the jukebox, where Gir sits in all his spangly glory.]  
  
Gir: Tacos!  
  
Gally: Cut! Someone activate the Rocky Horror chip I made for Gir!  
  
[One of the camera men walked up to the SIR and took him off the jukebox. He delivered a swift kick to his head, and put him back on the jukebox.]  
  
Gally: Action!  
  
Gir: Well, I was walkin' down the street, just-a havin' a think, when a snake of a guy gave me an *evil* wink! He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise, he had a pickup truck and *devil's* eyes! He stared at me, an' I felt a change; time meant nothin', never would again!  
  
PoWs: Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again!  
  
[Cut to Bitters.]  
  
Ms. Bitters: It's just a jump to the left.  
  
[Cut back to the PoWs.]  
  
PoWs: And then a step to the riiiight!  
  
[Cut to Bitters.]  
  
Ms. Bitters: Put your hands on your hips.  
  
[Back to PoWs.]  
  
PoWs: And bring your knees in tiiiight! Put it's the Pelvic Thrust that really drives you insaaaane!  
  
[Cut to Bitter dancing on her desk.]  
  
Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again!  
  
[Red and Devi are supposed to be backing up the stairs, but Red keeps trying to join the dance. Finally, Devi kicks the back of his knees and drags him up the steps. Gir leaps off the jukebox and proceeds to tap- dance spectacularly across the floor.]  
  
Gir: Whoo!  
  
[Finishes his dance with a dramatic sprawl over the steps.]  
  
Gally: And cut! Excellent job, everyone! Very nice! Take a break, go home, get some sleep, stock up on body armor. Tomorrow.Enter the Doctor! 


	2. Sweet Transvestite//Poor Nny

[View pans out onto a noisy movie studio. The set is a party-bedecked ballroom, filled with weirdoes in tuxedoes. No one is filming, so the various actors are all just hanging out and taking a break. One person once again interrupts the 'peaceful' scene. Nny rushes out of his dressing room, waving a bra in one hand and a machete in the other. People scatter, though Gally runs to him, in an attempt to calm him down.]  
  
Gally: Johnny C! Stop this right now! You already promised you would do this!  
  
Nny: Well screw it! Get Happy Noodle Boy to do it! I just read the script through, and do you know just what it is you expect me to do?! No way in HELL!!  
  
Gally: Nny, Nny, calm down. Listen to me. Please?  
  
[She smiles coyly at Nny, making him shudder.]  
  
Nny: Aww.you promised you wouldn't do that anymore.  
  
Gally: Well, it's an emergency. Tell you what. Do this for me, and I will personally install a Freezy machine in your house.  
  
Nny: And?  
  
Gally: And.I will buy out all the tickets to any movie of your choice so idiots won't interrupt our show.  
  
Nny: And?  
  
Gally: *sigh* You drive a hard bargain. And I'll get Happy Noodle Boy to do the three scenes that scare you so much.  
  
Nny: Okay. I would have done it for the last one alone, but your offer is so tempting.  
  
Gally: Great. Now give me the machete and go get dressed. *She snatches a cloak off a nearby costume rack and drapes it over his arms. Nny hands her the machete and goes back into the dressing room.*  
  
Gally: Oh boy. Okay, everyone, Nny's almost ready to do this. Get into your places!  
  
[Everyone takes their places.]  
  
[Nny comes out of his dressing room swathed in his cloak and climbs the catwalk to the elevator. He flashed a thumbs-up, however grudgingly.]  
  
Gally: Action!  
  
[Red and Devi are quickly backing up the carpeted steps.]  
  
Devi: Brad, let's get out of here.  
  
Red: Not until we use their phone.  
  
Devi: Brad, I'm frightened!  
  
Red: There's nothing to worry about, Janet! We'll be out of here soon!  
  
[While Red says this, Devi sees the elevator coming down, and gets scared. It's real fear. For obvious reasons, she doesn't like this particular person.]  
  
[The elevator door opens, revealing a cloaked figure with scary hair. One six-inch heel clicks on the floor of the elevator. The figure turns around. For your sake, I will spare you the description, but it's Nny. With too much eye shadow.]  
  
Nny: How'd you do. I-see you've met my-faithful-handy man. He's just a little brought down, cuz-when you knocked-he thought you were the-candy man.  
  
[He struts down the walkway to his throne.]  
  
Don't get strung up! By the way I look! Don't judge a book by its coveeer. I'm not, much of a man, by the, light of day, but by night I'm- I'm not singing this filth.  
  
Gally: Oh, please, Nny, it's not that bad! Please just sing it!  
  
Nny: But-  
  
[Gally immediately turns into her dragon form, disrupting chairs and scaring the hell out of everyone.]  
  
Gally: *loud, growly voice* Dammit, Johnny, sing the f**kin' song!!  
  
[He nods mutely and goes back to his place on the set. Gally resumes her human shape, although she has a long slim tail that's lashing angrily from side to side.]  
  
Nny: I'm not, much of a man, by the light of day, but by night I'm one hell of a lover!  
  
[He throws off the cape, revealing.women's dominatrix lingerie. Nobody says anything. They've all found things that conveniently let them look away.]  
  
Nny: I'm just a sweet, transvestite-from, Transsexual, Transylvania, hah hah!  
  
[He marches up to Brad and Janet, both of whom are staring in pure terror.]  
  
Nny: Let me-show you around, and maybe-play you a sound. You look like you're both-pretty groovy! Or if you-want something visual, that's-not to abysmal, we could take in an old Steve Reeve's movie!  
  
Brad: I'm glad we caught you at home. Could we use your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry.  
  
Janet: Right.  
  
[Nny has picked up a cup of punch and is grinning at the frightened couple.]  
  
Brad: We'll just-stay where we are, then go--back to the car. We don't want to be any worry.  
  
[Close-up on Nny's painted face.]  
  
Nny: Well, you got caught with a flat! Well, how 'bout that. Well babies, don't you-panic. By the light of the night, it'll all seem alright. I'll get you a satanic mechanic!  
  
[Marches back to his throne, around which Dib, Tenna, and Gir are clustered.]  
  
Nny: I'm just a sweet, transvestite-from, Transsexual, Transylvania, hah hah!  
  
Nny: Why don't you-stay for the night?  
  
Tenna: Night!  
  
Nny: Or maybe-a bite?  
  
Gir: Bite!  
  
Nny: I could show you my favorite-obsession.  
  
[His face scrunched up, as though he were trying hard not to projectile vomit out of every orifice.]  
  
Nny: I've been-making a man-with blonde hair and a tan-and he's good for relievin' my-tension.  
  
Nny: I'm just a sweet, transvestite-from, Transsexual, Transylvania, hah hah!  
  
[He rises slowly from his chair, showing off his.*shudder*.legs. It's obvious that he's not having fun.]  
  
Nny: I'm just a sweet, transvestite!  
  
Dib, Tenna, Gir: Sweet transvestite!  
  
Nny: From Transsexual!  
  
Nny, Dib, Tenna, Gir: Transylvania, hah hah!  
  
[Nny rises again and passes through Brad and Janet to the elevator.  
  
Nny: So! Come up to the lab, an' see-what's on the slab. I see you shiver, with antici-  
  
[Janet looks like she's about to faint.]  
  
Nny: --pation!  
  
[She swoons.]  
  
Nny: But maybe the rain! Isn't really to blame.so I'll remove the cause.if not-the symptom!  
  
[Janet faints as the elevator goes up.]  
  
Gally: And cut! Wonderful! Simply wonderful. Devi, you can get up now. Devi?  
  
[Red pokes her with a churro.]  
  
Red: I think she really fainted!  
  
[Nny comes storming out of the elevator and grabs his cloak, whipping it around him and glaring evilly. Gally runs up grins insanely at him.]  
  
Gally: That was so cool, Nny! Scary, and it kinda made me want to drag my tongue over a washcloth several times, but cool!  
  
Nny: Don't touch me.  
  
[He stormed into his dressing room.]  
  
Gally: Well. That was unexpected. ((A/N: Thank you Lady for sarcasm.))  
  
[She claps her hands.]  
  
Gally: Okay everybody! Short break! Get the set ready for the laboratory!  
  
[Zim, his whole body wrapped in his character's bandages, whimpers. Red points a finger and laughs.]  
  
Gally: Red! I know how hard it is to be serious when you're doing a movie like this, but it's not nice to make fun of others!  
  
Red: But he's so-  
  
[Gally swiftly drew a finger across her throat and pointed at Nny's room. Red shut up. Gally went over to Zim.]  
  
Zim: You didn't say there was going to be Jell-O!  
  
Gally: Don't worry about it. *hugs him* We'll have you so covered in paste you'll be high.  
  
Zim: I shall be much taller, then? *getting excited*  
  
Gally: Not high as in tall, Zim, high as in-never mind.  
  
[She turns once again to the numerous people working on the set.]  
  
Gally: Okay! Thanks everyone, that's enough for today! Take a break! Tomorrow...The Beast Awakens!  
  
Zim: The mighty ZIM is no beast! 


	3. Not Actually Part of the Fic, But Import...

Hello, me loyal readers! I have a bit of news. Due to the overwhelming Oh- My-God factor of this plot, I'm discontinuing the story. At least, I'm discontinuing the characters. For each scene, I will pick characters from various anime or movies, and inserting them into the appropriate scenes.  
  
To explain this decision, let me just say that I creeped myself out in making Johnny and Tenna and the rest go through with the plot. I know of at least five more couple that would be more than eager to take their places. I will leave the first two chapters up, however, because I think those are just priceless.  
  
E-mail me if you have something to say, but please don't use the review box to complain. If I have to erase my stories to get rid of your whining, I will. 


End file.
